I just watch finished "Queen", a Bollywood film about finding yourself. It could be the film talking but I think I oughta find myself again. I don't know when, I don't know how. But somewhere along the way in growing up, I lost myself. Lost who I am. I totally blame the endless hours of gaming. BUT, and that's a big but, I'm going to retrace backwards. I don't like speaking like I'm some wise guy on weed, but, and that's the fourth but in this paragraph, I'm gonna walk back till I find that country road I lost. Going back is going to be difficult. Nowadays, all these self-help books that I read talked about leaving behind and moving forward. I think we are both in the same page though I may refer it to moving backwards. To me, I repeat, to me, I cannot move forward with the present ME. The present ME is . . . I am not proud of the present me. The present ME have potential but is lazy. The present ME seeks pleasure over hardwork. The present MM is entertained, the present ME is doing me. But the present ME isn't happy. That much, I'm sure.
I remember being envious of other people when I was a wee-teenager. Of those with skills, of those with the stuffs. Funny, isn't that I've got quite a good number of skills and stuffs but have no happiness? I'm not envious nowadays. I think that's good. It is good, it must be. Yet I'm not happy? Maybe it's because I forgot that I still have to grow. That there are many more things I'm yet to learn. That life and the world has so much more. And so, it's good that I'm not envious others. But I've got to add this is in my mind. I've got so much more distance to walk in that old country road. Just because I can walk properly doesn't mean I'm perfect.
Humility. I'm going to focus on this one till it's part of me. One step backward. It's going to be tough. I've strayed so far I've literally reprogrammed my mind into so many other stuffs. Mindlessly swiping for a satisfactory YouTube video, checking my emails, browsing for new torrents and then there's porn. I thought I could fight against all these but I've failed. I've tried for over 4 years now and I'm still here the same, right? Although I'm all wet and dirty in this mindless wandering through the vines, I'm doing a RIGHT-ABOVE-TURN and here we go. It's a war against myself. Whether I won or I lose, I will be what the outcome is. I will win. I believe in myself. I believe in God.
I used to pray to God. Heck, I've been doing for the past 4 years. Always wanted to write a book too. But it didn't work out and I used to ask God why. I know it always come down to me. Decisions. But that's the front and now I am walking back. Not walking backwards, but walking back. And that makes all the difference. This, I've got to do by myself. I know the Lord is with me. I just have this notion that since He wants me to figure it out by myself. And so I am going to.
Date 12 of August, 2019. Tomorrow ain't holiday but I think I'mma go for a private one. 13th has always been a holiday since childhood. Think I deserve it, besides I got something I have to do. Thanks, I guess?